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Breaking the Shame Cycle: Cleaning for ADHDers


Cleaning and organizing can be a significant challenge for those of us with ADHD. It’s not just about keeping a tidy space; it’s about managing the shame, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy that often come along for the ride. As a Certified Neurodivergent Life and Business Coach, I've walked this path myself and with countless clients. Today, I want to share insights and practical tools to help break the shame cycle and reclaim a sense of control in our living spaces.


Understanding the ADHD Cleaning Struggle


From a young age, I struggled with cleaning and organizing. Even though I was responsible for household chores, I never truly learned how to organize. This is a common thread in our ADHD community—many of us were taught how to clean but not how to maintain organization. This disconnect can lead to a lifetime of frustration, particularly when it feels like the rest of the world has it all figured out.


The truth is, our brains are wired differently, and that's okay. Executive functioning challenges, which are a hallmark of ADHD, make it difficult to maintain an orderly environment. Yet, society often ties our worth to the cleanliness of our homes, which can make us feel like we're failing at something basic.



Social Anxiety and Housekeeping


One of the most common concerns I hear from my clients is the anxiety around having guests over. The thought of someone seeing their messy home is enough to stop them from inviting friends or family into their space. This leads to a painful isolation where the fear of judgment prevents meaningful social connections.


But let's break this down: the embarrassment and shame we feel are often rooted in unrealistic expectations we've internalized from a neurotypical world. It’s not that we’re incapable of maintaining a clean home; it’s that our brains require different strategies to get there. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and start developing tools that work for us.


Unhelpful Questions and Executive Functioning


Many of us get caught in a cycle of asking unhelpful questions like, "Why can't I keep my house clean?" or "Why is organizing so hard for me?" These questions are not just unproductive; they reinforce negative beliefs about ourselves. We start to believe that something is inherently wrong with us, when in reality, we’re just not neurotypical.


These unhelpful questions are tied to our executive functioning challenges, a key aspect of ADHD. The key to overcoming them is to stop beating ourselves up and start focusing on what works for our unique brains. Go back and listen to my episode on unhelpful questions if this resonates with you—you might find some aha moments there.



Identifying Subconscious Beliefs


Much of our shame around cleanliness is tied to subconscious beliefs formed in childhood. Maybe you were embarrassed to have friends over because your room was messy, or perhaps your parents shamed you for not keeping your space tidy. These early experiences can create lasting impacts, leading us to feel inadequate or flawed.


If you’re struggling with these feelings, it might be time to dig deeper. Consider setting up a session with me Theresa Minnoch, or talking to your therapist to explore where these beliefs come from and how to transform them. Understanding the root of your feelings can be the first step towards letting go of the shame and embracing your unique way of living.


Practical Tools for Cleaning with ADHD


Let's get practical. Cleaning doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing task. In fact, breaking it down into smaller, manageable pieces is often more effective for those of us with ADHD. Here are some strategies that have worked for me and my clients:


1. Start Small: Pick one section of a room to tackle at a time. Maybe it’s just the floor of your closet or a single shelf in the kitchen. Breaking tasks into bite-sized pieces makes them less overwhelming.


2. Sort It Out: Use categories to sort through items—keep, donate, and trash. Avoid creating a “maybe” pile, which can lead to decision fatigue. If you can’t decide within two minutes, it’s likely not worth keeping.


3. Ask for Help: It’s okay to ask for support. There are ADHD-friendly cleaning and organizing services out there, or you can enlist the help of a friend or family member. Sometimes, just having someone with you can make the task feel less daunting.


4. Make It Fun: Turn cleaning into a game. Call a friend while you clean, listen to your favorite audiobook, or put on a podcast that interests you. Making the process enjoyable can help you stay motivated.


5. Set Boundaries with Yourself: Decide ahead of time how much you’ll do in one session. Maybe it’s just the closet floor today, and that’s okay. Setting a timer can help you stick to your limits and prevent burnout.


6. Give Yourself Permission to Pause: If you wake up on a cleaning day and feel like your body got hit by a bus, it’s okay to take a break. Listen to your body and give yourself grace. You can always come back to it later.


Embracing Your Neurodivergent Brain


Finally, it’s crucial to honor how your brain works in this world. Your worth is not tied to how clean your home is. You are not flawed or broken because you struggle with organization or cleanliness. The sooner we can accept this, the sooner we can start to create environments that work for us, not against us.


Remember, it’s about finding what works for you. Whether you prefer to tackle cleaning in small bursts or go all-in for a day, it’s all valid. What’s most important is that you approach these tasks with self-compassion and a willingness to adapt.


Thank you for taking the time to read this. If this resonates with you, please share it with a friend or family member who might benefit. Let’s continue to break the shame cycle together, one step at a time.


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