I Just Can't...or Can I?
As we move into the holiday’s, I have noticed frustration about my husband not being here (he passed away in 2020). All the Christmas stuff is up in the attic. Our tree is big and heavy. The bins are large and heavy. I have never put Christmas lights up outside by myself. Things keep breaking around the house that I don’t know how to fix. Things felt so real that they were piling up and I felt like I couldn’t do it. No joke, I would be downstairs fixing things with kids upstairs roughhousing…at which point they would bring me something they broke upstairs.
The thoughts I noticed were these:
“Why isn’t he here to help me.”
“I can’t do this alone”
“I’m not strong enough”
“I really need to start body building”
“Why did I never make the effort to learn how to fix things!”
Then I would feel sad and lonely, wishing I had more of a community of people to call upon. I would ask friends for help, but they are busy in their own lives. I felt very alone.
I sat in my self-pity for about two weeks. To be transparent, I dwelt on the thoughts that were convincing me that I couldn’t do it…any of it. “The holidays are ruined,” I thought. “They will never be the same again.” What made it worse is that I was judging myself for having these thoughts and feeling this way.
I’ve always been the type of person to see a problem and figure it out. My brain was so powerful and convincing. But all of this felt so real that I simply could not move around these super heavy things (the thoughts OR the bins). I was convincing myself I could not fit things into my car to take to the dump….I could not get the lights up on the house. And as for fixing things?! Well…. That’s just not my strong suit. Chopping wood?! Yeah, that’s not happening.
Self-pity people! Self-pity. That is where I was at. My Brain worked so very hard to convince me that I was alone. That I couldn’t do it. That I wasn’t strong enough. THAT IS HOW POWERFUL THE BRAIN IS!
One day I was talking to a friend, crying, and reciting my woes. It felt good to get it of my chest as I realized I had bottled it up for two weeks. Once I got it out, I went home and started to work. I talked to the kids and explained to them how we are a team. We are the Minnoch clan, and we need to work together to make the holidays happen. The kids stepped up. They helped out in a way I have never seen them work together before. My eldest, who is now taller than me, I soon found is now also stronger than me. Not by much yet, but dang he did so good. My middle eight-year-old kept asking, “Mom what can I do next.” We did it. We got all the heavy stuff done using all of us together to lift and move. My son and I went to the dump together. The only thing left were the lights outside. I took a deep breath and asked the neighborhood chat for help. A sweet couple who I have talked to a few times came to help the kids and I put up the lights. Then they noticed my curtains were broken and offered to come back and help me fix them.
I am never alone. I have my kids. What we couldn’t do, we reached out and asked for help to complete…and we made new friends in the process. We worked as a team, “Clan Minnoch,” to get it done. We championed it together. And my kids are pretty amazing.
Y’all… My heart is full.